#teenage mutant ninja turtles | tmntxreader-fics (2024)

Summary: After the particularly brutal fight, there's a rift between you both. Raphael seeks you out to atone for his sins.

PART 1 HERE

Literally everyone in my inbox: Damaged love please. Where's the second part? Hello? Okay thanks for the new fic but we're literally just asking for- WOULD YOU STOP UPLOADING RANDOM sh*t CAN YOU PLEASE JUST FINISH IT?!?!

A/N: 2000 years later but hey better late than never right?

Warnings: Cursing, angst, mentions of suicide, elements of domestic abuse and anxiety.

“Shut the f*ck up.”

You stare for a long, long moment.“Sorry?”

“Your latte is up?” The barista repeats himself with a wary glance from beneath his cap.“As in, it’s done.”

You exhale heavily. This needs to end- whatever this is. What would one even call it? Auditory hallucinations? Trauma?

“It’s rightthere,” the barista speaks again with a loose gesture.

Your cheeks burn as you snatch the cup from the bench,“Thanks.”

His only response is a withering glare.

New York winter is an uncomfortable and torturous experience. At least, as of late, that’s how it’s felt. In the movies there’s always the depiction of a magical white season.

Perfectly timed snow falls for the perfectly timed kiss under the perfectly placed mistletoe. Everything’sso f*cking perfect.

The reality is unyielding wind and the cruelty of the cold.

Nearby, the snap of a twig breaks you from your reverie. Attempting to calm your startled heart, you scowl as you remember.

Winter isn’t the only thing the movies lied about.

His footsteps were quiet, almost non-existent if it weren’t for his tracks indented in the snow. They needed to be if he wanted to avoid you seeing him.

You had grown paranoid, eyes flitting to scan every rooftop whenever you were out. Your ears trained to pick up every scuffle, creak and snap.

He knew what you were so afraid of, what you so carefully attempted to evade. The reason your body was so upright and rigid, why you were poised to run at the drop of a hat.

Raph knew that he was the danger.

But there was nowhere you could go that he couldn't find you.

In all fairness, he had avoided you for weeks post the incident. Not that it had been difficult, on his patrols he had simply swapped out his shift in your neighbourhood with Mikey. He didn't deserve to be near you and you didn't deserve the burden of facing him.

The boundary he had crossed was not one that could be stepped back over and Raph knew it.

He had terrified you, obliterated every ounce of trust you had placed in him. Worse even, he had f*cking hurt you with his bare hands, watched as your face crumpled while you writhed in his grip.

Behind his lids the images would replay like a sad*stic, repetitive movie as he slept. He'd wake fitfully at all hours throughout the night to expel the contents of his stomach.

Despite his self-loathing, his discipline only went so far. Last week, he had seen you while on patrol wandering far from your own neighbourhood. The sight of you had made him freeze in his tracks.

You looked f*cking terrible.

Physically, you looked the same. You were beautiful as always, tired or vibrant you still took his breath away.

The change was in your eyes, it was in the way you held yourself.

Your entire posture was angled inwards, as though your own soul had hidden behind curtains of fear and uncertainty. It was as if every step you took could send you falling through the cracks of the sidewalk.

He hated it. It's what you had looked like when he had come across you for the first time, quivering on your balcony.

He was no better than the men he patrolled the streets for and in that moment it occurred to him. As he watched you blend into the crowd with downcast eyes, Raph knew that he really was a monster.

Not because of the way he looked or what he had done. It was because he had begun moving after you.

It was because he would go on to watch you every night.

But he had never expected to catch you alone.

___

The wind stings your cheek and you squint against the unrelenting chill. You hate winter.

It's cold, it's lonely and it's a miserable season.

You had loved it once, when you had someone to hold and warm you through the nights. You cringe at the thought.

It's a romantic time of year and it will be the first time you have spent it alone in a long time. There’s no way around it either, no way to forget. Love is intertwined within every winter tradition; the songs, the movies, the paintings. You could go on forever with the examples.

Scowling, your eyes refocus on the traffic beneath you. You don't know why you're here. You had steered clear of rooftop adventures since you'd run from the lair that night. While risking an encounter with the terrapins is unlikely as it is, the stakes climb tenfold when you’re isolated and alone.

It’s why you’re barely home. Safety in numbers and all that bullsh*t, right?

They wouldn’t dare come this close to your apartment building, let alone join you on your own roof. You had made it clear to Leo once you had left that you didn't want anything to do with them, that you wanted to forget they had ever existed.

If anything, at least the leader in blue would respect your wishes. He was big on that kind of stuff. If only all his brothers had followed in suit.

A horn honks from below and startles you from your reverie. The city seems brighter now that the dark has fully settled. Wrapping your arms around your body, you lean against the railing carefully. You hadn't realised how quickly the time had passed, it was well past sundown and you hadn’t planned to be out here this long.

Your stomach is sinking as you rake your gaze across the other rooftops. To your dismay each of them are devoured by inky shadow, not a single distinguishable feature in sight. You’ve overstayed your welcome.

While you’re confident that theywouldn’t venture this close, you’re not confident enough to stand here alone at night.

Swallowing the rising panic in your chest, you turn on your heel to leave- and freeze.

Not even five feet away, standing between you and the door, is Raphael.

Every inch of your body is suspended in time and your heart leaps into your throat. His golden eyes are wide, as though he can’t believe he’s here either.

You want to throw yourself off of the building.

You will if you have to.

Neither of you speak and neither of you breathe.

The wind pushes your body lightly, as though prompting you to talk. But you can’t even open your mouth, let alone formulate a sentence. You’re suffocating, you can’t think. You need to leave, it’s the only thing you’re sure of. You need to run.

He watches you carefully, a toothpick rolling beneath his teeth slowly. It’s as though he’s lazily flicking through all of your thoughts as they flood you.

“Please don’t,” he says softly.His words are gentle but his voice is still like gravel.“Don’t run.”

Yourheart has dislodged itself from your throat and is screaming at you to ignore him, to book it for the door and lock yourself in your room.

"How can you ask me that?" You whisper, your voice catching on the words. Your face begins to flush as you feel the adrenaline course through your body, sending your heart pounding in your chest.

It’s been so long... yet he looks exactly the same.

Raphael winces, ducking his head.“I know,” he begins,“I know I scare you.”

Your eyes widen fractionally as he takes a slow step forward, eyes still directed at your feet- a sign of submission. He’s trying to put you at ease, you realise with disgust.

“I know you want to run,” he says,“to get as far away from me as possible.”

Your body tugs itself backwards and your breath hitches at the railing pressing against your back. You’ve cornered yourself, trapped between him and a twelve story drop. He hasn’t stopped moving, his steps wary but firm.

“Please,” you breathe.“Don’t come near me.” Your voice is trembling and your arms cross against your chest, hands resting on your collarbone. Flimsy flesh and bone would not protect you from the beast before you. Nothing would.

Raphael stops moving instantly, eyes flicking back to meet yours once more. A blaze of vivid gold that had once sent butterflies to flight in your stomach. Now, it makes your heart squeeze.

“Why are you here?” You say anxiously.

He only watches you in response, no movement other than the steady rise and fall of his chest. The long silence sendscold dread sweeping over your body and, despite the chill of the season, you feel a drop of sweat trickle down your spine.

Your mouth feels as though it’s been stuffed with cotton, dry and tacky as you watch him clench his jaw.

“Are you here to kill me?” The words are barely more than a whimper and a sob rises in your throat when Raphael takes a sudden step toward you.

Without allowing yourself to think, your body sets into action. Propelling yourself forward, you make a break for the door. He can’t have been expecting you to make such a bold move, especially when you would have usually resorted to begging.

You’d only made it barely three strides before he had stepped into your line of flight.

Your heels dig into the ground, the moisture stealing traction from the soles of your shoes. Your breath catches as you slide straight into him, hands flying up to shove against his plastron and create distance between the both of you. Throughout the ordeal his body stands as sturdy as a mountain and rather than push him away you’ve just sent yourself falling backwards.

Raphael doesn’t catch you.

Your body hits the ground hard, head smacking against the brick railing you were once again cornered in. Your vision swims for a brief moment and your eyes burn with tears. He hadn’t even reached for you, he had simply watched. You knew that he didn’t care anymore, not about you, but a small twisted part of you had wished he would have shown the side you had fallen in love with. The man who had saved you, rescued you and protected you with every inch of his being time and time again.

You had loved him so f*cking much.

You know you had.

You’ve spent a lot of time over the past few months trying to understand what love truly is. Is it really just a means to an end? Or are you just unlucky?

Or is it you? Do you make men hate you? Do they hurt you because you’re the one provoking it?

Realistically, you know you’re the common denominator in all of these relationships. You know that makes you the problem. Maybe you truly deserved this. Maybe you don’t deserve love because you’re not worthy of it.

You’re not going to survive this.

There was no way he’d let you leave this rooftop alive. It would look like an accident, he’d simply drop you off the side of the building and no one would assume it was anything other than a suicide.

No one would know any better because no one even knows who the f*ck you are.

You aren’t worth getting to know.

You don’t deserve friends.

You don’t deserve anything.

Even so, in the small of your mind as you’re wracked with sobs, you can’t help but wonder. You can’t help but wish you had gotten to know. Wish you had experienced.

What is love?

Have you truly felt it before?

You don’t deserve to know.

You don’t deserve love.

This is as close as you get.

To you, this is love.

This is love.

-------

What the f*ck am I doing here?

You f*cking hated him, he knew this. The way your eyes watched him with such unbridled terror made him f*cking hate himself too.

Who wouldn’t hate him? He was an undeniable monster, both body and soul.

“Are you here to kill me?”

He was stunned by the question- or the accusation, or was it both? How horrible would he have to be for the person he loved the most to assume that he was there to write them off? To throw them from the side of the building and tie up his loose ends.

He could see that you believed it wholeheartedly too, that he would truly do it.

It broke something within him, a small piece in his soul that had been held together by pure hope. A vulnerable fraction left intact from the aftermath of the fight, the remaining survivor from his heartbreak.

Raphael never would have thought himself capable of hurting you. Shamelessly he would declare,“I’d rather off myself with my own sai then lay a finger on them.”

If he really was a man of his word he would have killed himself long ago.

f*ck, watching you curl against the bricks made him wish he had.

He should have.

Maybe, after tonight, he would.

You had hit your head hard, he hadn’t meant to let you fall like that. If he had reached for you it would have sent you into hysterics, he had no right to touch you. He couldn’t do anything right.He had no right to even be in your presence, to breathe your air.

You deserved so much better than anything you had ever experienced and he thought that maybe he could have been the one to set things right. To show you what love truly was.

Instead he had skewered the concept. He had crushed it between his fat f*cking fingers and ruined anything good just like he always did.

‘A child with an expensive gift and no understanding of its worth. Undeserving.’

It’s what Leo had said, and for once, Leo was right.

You wept, curling in on yourself. You looked resigned and he knew you had accepted what you thought to be your fate. Leaving yourself at his mercy, for him to deal with you as he pleased.

He wanted to throw up.

He should leave, Raphael knew he should’ve left right there and then.

But was he supposed to just leave you crumpled in the corner of a rooftop in the middle of winter?

If he were to touch you it would make things worse and you wouldn’tbelieve a single word that came out of his mouth.

He sure as f*ck wouldn’t, either.

Say something!His brain screamed. But what could he say to make any of this better?

He whispers your name unthinkingly. It sounded so good, it felt forbidden on his tongue but he longed to hear it for so long. He would never have dared say it anywhere else. He didn’t deserve to.

He says it again, a little more urgently.

Your weeping turns to sobs.

He couldn’t leave you out here. You would hate him, and you had every right, but he knew you. You were in no condition to do anything.

He slowly drops to his knees beside you, one hand hovering above your shoulder.

“I’m not here to hurt you, kid.” The words taste like acid on his lips.

The fact that he would even need to clarify that disgusts him, he presses on regardless.

“I’m not going to hurt you,” Raph murmurs again and your body wracks violently with another sob. His hand lightly brushes your shoulder and he winces when you jolt.“You’re okay, darlin’. I’m not going to hurt you. You’re okay.”

“You’re okay.”

----

Your thoughts are a mess.

Your mind a cacophony of sounds.

Please, not again.

Please.

His hand rests against your shoulder and your body is instantly electrified.

Please.

He says your name. He says it twice, just like he did that night.

He coos sweet nothings in your ear, gentle and comforting.

It’s like watching a record replay.

But you’re sick of history repeating itself.

You’re sick of hurting, you’re sick of pain. The betrayal, the heartbreak. The constant fear.

You don’t want to watch this movie ever again.

Never again.

Just kill me.

Never again.

Put me out of my misery.

Please.

Just f*cking end it.

Please.

-----

It had been twenty minutes.

He had tried to calm your breathing, done everything he could to bring you down from the hysterical state you were in. You were sobbing words that he could barely make sense of, you were begging him though he had no idea for what. Grasping his shell and shaking him, demanding undecipherable things.

For the first time in a long time, Raphael had been truly afraid. So he held you tight, both to comfort you and himself. There was nothing he could say to you, nothing to fix this.

You had broken.

You thought he was going to f*cking kill you.

He blamed you for nothing.

The crying had begun to ebb a little and Raph felt a flutter of hope in his chest. You were beginning to quiet, laying still in his arms. You hadn’t reacted when he had picked you up to hold you against him, it was selfish of him but he convinced himself it was for your safety. The floor was wet and you were already shaking.

“I’m not here to hurt you,” Raphael murmured to you,“I’m here to apologise.”

Your eyes had blinked open, blurry with the tears caught in your lashes.

“I should never have let myself get to that point,” he continued, heart beating wildly in his chest.“I was a monster- I am a monster. And I don’t deserve you. I promised you I would never hurt you, that I would treat you better and I didn't. I lied to you and you didn’t deserve that, you deserve the best the world has to offer and you gave an abomination like me a chance.”

“I f*cked it,” he whispered, the words wobbling.“I f*cked up so, so bad. I am so f*cking sorry. I am so, so, so f*cking sorry.”

Yoursilence was deserved and he knew that, but he had hoped you would say something. Anything. Even to yell at him, even to tell him that you hoped he would die.

“I don’t deserve you,” Raph said finally,“I don’t deserve love.”

Your head snapped up to meet his gaze and he couldn't help but be startled by the movement, flinching backwards fractionally. You were both nose to nose and his heart lurched wildly.

“What did you say?” Your voice was cracked and miserable but your eyes- the way you stared at him made him nervous. It was you in his arms but it was somebody else watching him through that glassy gaze.

“I said,” he breathed shakily,“I don’t deserve love.”

There was a long silence as the both of you watched each other carefully. Your eyes began to soften in that moment, but it still wasn’t you. There was something so dreadfully and intimately wrong.

“Raphael,” you murmured quietly and he would never be able to describe the feeling of hearing you say his name. Never in a hundred years would he be able to articulate it. He relished in it and for a brief, minuscule second he swore he could have forgotten everything. It was just another night of you both enjoying the lights of the city beneath.

You reached for his face and held his cheek in a slow caress that made him lose his breath.

“Raphael,” you said again, voice a mere whisper. His eyes closed and a small careful smile lifted the corner of his lip.

“This is love.”

His heart fell.